Wednesday, February 8, 2012

How to Get Rich Quick

People have been trying to come up with schemes to make money easily and quickly for generations. Many have failed or didn't pan out, e.g. Ponzi schemes. A heretofore private group strategy recently has been revealed and is causing quite a stir. This select group has a membership just over 500 men and women and is headquartered right here in the Nation's Capitol!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen you, too can take advantage of this legitimate stream of income, funded by American taxpayers. Simply get yourself, a family member or best buddy elected to Congress. Yes, indeedy, this method works like a charm and has brought previously unthinkable wealth for those smart enough to take advantage of it.

Earmarks are a key element in this scheme. Yeah, I know that sounds like some sort of birth defect, but it is actually a very effective and proven way of steering millions of tax- payer dollars to benefit friends and family and even yourself.

Historically, earmarks have enabled average Americans to improve their standards of living, property values, personal incomes and so much more. All it takes to benefit from this scheme is to have a member of Congress tag on to a piece of legislation your desired earmark. This might cost you a campaign contribution but if you want to have the river next to your waterfront cottage cleaned and protected without having to shell out huge amounts of your own wealth, it's worth it. Why, you could even get a bridge or airport built for your own convenience even if no one else thinks it's needed. Seriously! It's been done!

Another sure bet is getting to know as many lobbyists you can. They represent every imaginable business and pleasure industry as well as foreign countries and have bottomless pockets of cash. They are very discreet when distributing baksheesh. It's all done under the table at a fine, Washington restaurant, watering hole, golf club, or an exclusive resort is some exotic locale. It's all about using your new-found influence in the most lucrative way.

Another advantage of befriending lobbyists is that they will actually help you and your staff write legislation. Yeah -- free editorial help! I think this is part of what has riled- up the Occupy people. They'd like a piece of the action: maybe working in the legislative or investment industries which sometimes are confused because of their similar ethical standards. Sadly, these protesters weren't savvy or loose enough to play by the rules necessary to get those jobs. [Personal ethics can ruin employment opportunities.]

So . . . what are you waiting for?! There are billions out there just waiting to be earmarked and it's so simple! Oh, and don't worry about actually having to work hard. That's what Congressional staff are for. All you have to do is vote when it's time and applaud or scowl with fellow party members during Presidential addresses.

Count yourself lucky that there are only a few, diligent, caring and conscientious members of the Senate and House who might try to get in your way. They're out- numbered considering the complete Capitol Hill Package. Lobbyists, special interests groups, wealthy contributors, and so on have become indispensable to members of Congress. Whatever a member needs, they can get at cost or with a nice discount! It's as easy as scratching your own back ;-).

[Drat -- my tongue is stuck in my cheek!]

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