Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Some of what I have learned from being married.

1. Pick your battles. > Before reacting to what happened/didn't happen consider whether or not you will remember it five years from now. If not, let it go. If you think it will continue to bug you, react reasonably and as civilly as possible. 2. Generously apply please and thank you. > Thank him for taking out the trash. > Thank her for surprising you with your favorite casserole. Please is the grease that makes asking for a favor less onerous. It can also be the reinforcement when you want to insist on something; eg. please don't wear that sweatshirt when we go out in public -- or -- please get rid of that stinky perfume. 3. Don't take everything personally. > If he comes home all bent out of shape, don't automatically think it's because you've failed in some way. He might have been cut-off in traffic and have a raging headache. Don't take offense if he crawls-off for some alone time. [Not that this should become a habit, mind you!] 4. The only time it's OK to let yourself go is during sex. 5. If you don't like the way he does something, learn to live with it or, as an example: > Slip in when he's not there and use the gritty stuff to really get the bathtub clean and DO NOT say anything about it! 6. Leave well enough alone. > In other words, don't complain when he wants to rearrange the contents of the freezer. Is it really such a big deal? He might actually do a good job. 7. Let bygones be bygones. > Let go of your anger at him for ogling pretty girls when you're together. However, quietly let him know you notice and don't approve. Sometimes a little feigned jealousy can be flattering. DO NOT store the incident away to fire at him during your next argument/discussion. Refer to #1. 8. Give him the chance to fix it, even though you can do it much quicker.


nutmeg96 said...

Such good advice.

Steve and I got some great advice, too, from the divorce lawyer who performed our civil marriage. (We got married "on paper" before our church wedding because he was being deployed with the military.) The divorce lawyer said: "Always focus on the good things about each other. These are the reasons you decided to get married. It's when you start focusing on the bad things, and forgetting the good things, that's when I'll see you back in my office. And I never want to see you back in my office."

Mark said...

Hilarious! And one more, when an argument begins, the guy should just say "I'm sorry", right off the bat, because sooner or later, it may be hours or days later, he's going to say "I'm sorry"

dcpeg said...

Megan: that is wonderful advice. It took me several years to realize that and it does make a difference. We're both still evolving, so focusing on what we admire about each other keeps our relationship strong.

Mark: I can see that your advice might work, but it's pretty much the same as shutting down. I used to do that but discovered that it just prolongs the argument. I think it's better to talk things out. If it works for you and your wife, more power to ya! Whatever keeps the peace.