I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. . .Thanksgiving.
Last year, that moron, Marshall, fried a turkey in one of those deep-fry contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup, and the turkey will be baked in the traditional way... in the oven.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house, at the last minute, on Thanksgiving, needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - Please... date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon, and that will be your problem to deal with.
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M during Dinner. The television stays off during the meal. Conversation is encouraged.
2. The "no full cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Carol, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Raspberry Cottage Cheese Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if that Jell-O salad comes in the front door with you, it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery. Pies are good.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and junk food. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon, bacon grease and real butter. And, yes, there will be a turkey. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without turkey broth is like egg salad without eggs. And, yes, the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating meat is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Green salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. Talking on the cell phone is annoying. Leave them in the car. Try actually talking to each other.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to your kids. I have nice things and I will not put them away just because your out-of-control children are coming over. Mary, watch your kids, and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you? Remember the "Will" is still in limbo.
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: ‘You don't need to bring anything’ means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said... not just enough for your family. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Dominoes, horseshoes and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids. Leave the electronic video games at home or in the car.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees being remembered at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card (maybe) that may or may not be signed.
14. The election is over, so I'll watch what I say about the bastard, and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, we'll have a good time. If not, I'll still have a good time but it will be at your expense.
15. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.